Managers need to have difficult conversations with employees or other team members, even if they are uncomfortable or hard. If you're looking for advice on how to effectively have these difficult conversations, you've come to the right place!

Before we dive into the strategies you might employ, let's get clear on what difficult conversations look like in the workplace. These are the tough talks that might include:

• Delivering unpleasant or bad news

• Discussing delicate (and often emotional) topics

• Impending changes, or,

• Discussing something that went wrong, poor performance, and other performance issues

Many of us will do just about anything to remove ourselves from a challenging conversation. But, whether we like it or not, conflict is not only a normal part of everyday life-- it’s a central component of progress. Handling difficult conversations is much like delivering negative feedback.

Read on for our guide to learning how to have a difficult conversation with an employee.

What do managers get wrong about having difficult conversations in the workplace?

Sometimes in the workplace there will be conflict, misunderstanding, and results that didn’t quite hit the mark. But at Leadology, we firmly believe that if you can put a name to something, you can manage it.

Four things we often see managers get wrong about difficult conversations are:

1. Avoid difficult conversations. Avoiding will not lead to the impact and ultimate success for yourself, your team, or your organization. 

2. Poor mindset. As a manager, you will always need to honestly assess your team and their performance. This includes what is going well, and what isn't. Without this mindset, it will be difficult to get people back on track.

3. Procrastination and avoiding the conversation by reviewing all the details. These details could be what led to the situation, what your coworker might be thinking, and what could have been. Directly addressing the issue and remaining curious about the information is the most effective.

4. Lastly, don’t lead the conversation with assumptions. Active listening is important to all conflict resolution.

What should managers do instead to have more productive conversations?

Before starting a difficult conversation, think about what the ideal outcome would be. Better communication? A new way forward or change in process? If there is an accompanied action, are you able to articulate what that is? Prepare yourself in advance with an action plan that includes what both parties need to navigate the difficult situation.

Beyond what would be best for you as the manager, be sure to consider what would be best for the employee involved as well. Understand what is ideal for both of you once the conversation ends. Conveying that positive intent as well as clearly describing your desired outcome is key.

When asking for the facts, it's important to remain open to your employee and have an honest discussion. Ultimately, what you want as a manager is to find common ground with your employee. Try leading the conversation with the following talking points for a better understanding about the situation as a whole:

• “I’m clear about [x], but I’m unclear about [y]. Can you help me understand?” 

• "I’m curious about..."

• "Tell me more about..."

• "I’m wondering..."

• "The story I’m making up is…"

Consider Brené Brown's "rumble language" when navigating difficult conversations 

Through our own Dare to Lead workshops, we bring rumble language to the workplace when beginning a tough conversation. Brené Brown herself discusses the importance of getting into “the arena,” and “rumbling."

Brown writes, "A rumble is a talk or meeting where people are committed to being open and curious. They are willing to face problems and find solutions together. They take breaks if needed and come back to the discussion. They are not afraid to take responsibility for their actions. They also listen to others with the same passion they want to be listened to."

To learn more about rumble language, review our blog post here.

How do I manage my employee’s reaction? 

Keeping the human at the center of all conversations is the best piece of advice we have to offer in this blog post. Even if you take all this advice to heart, a reaction from your direct report is still a possibility.

Remember, this is a rumble between two people who both bring their own perspective and styles to the table. In our manager development training program Activate, you'll learn how to handle various reactions to difficult conversations. Typically, there are four key categories: 

1. Defensiveness 

“Well, it didn’t happen that way. That’s not the case at all.” 

2. Excuses 

“Well I did that because… I had to do that because…” 

3. Shutdown 

“Ok, understood.” This goes beyond just getting quiet, it can involve the other person agreeing with you just to shut down the conversation. 

4. Emotional  

“I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know what to say.”

Understanding how to manage these different reactions is nuanced and requires considerable practice. Repetition is important to building any new skill set. You'll get practical experience through Activate, plus toolkits and frameworks for handling even the toughest of conversations.