Why Fierce Compassion Is Good for Business (and Life)

Hi everyone, 

This week, I wanted to share a personal story with you as a reminder to check in with yourselves as well as others right now.

THE LANGUAGE OF LEADERSHIP

“Self-compassion entails both yin and yang—it is tender and helps us heal (yin) but it can also be fierce, taking action to protect and provide for ourselves as well as motivating change (yang).” -Dr. Kristin Neff

I first realized I overfunction during a crisis when I was diagnosed with cancer.

Immediately after I got my diagnosis, I scheduled the bloodwork, the CT scan, the ultrasound, and a consultation with one surgeon plus a second-opinion consultation with another surgeon. I notified my clients, and I already had back up for coaches ready to teach in my place. Then I scheduled my surgery.

This May, I celebrated two years cancer free. 

But I was clearly overfunctioning following my diagnosis. I didn’t realize this, however, until I recently talked about my experience with friend and colleague Becky Hammond of IsogoTV on her podcast. Becky asked me, “When did you cry?” 

Then it hit me.

I don’t remember letting myself cry until days after my diagnosis, when I told my mom. Reflecting back, I know I was overfunctioning because that’s my go-to behavior in the face of stress and anxiety. 

My planning went into overdrive. 

When I decided to tell friends and family about my diagnosis, I planned to share the news with each person individually. All I cared about was assuring everyone that I would be OK.

But then I paused.

I asked myself if that was really what I needed. The idea of sharing the same information and answering the same questions over and over again seemed exhausting, so I decided to share the news just once—on a group text.

I was finally turning to self-compassion.  

Showing yourself compassion might not sound as important as planning and organizing, but it’s essential to personal development and well-being.

Why is it so hard? 

On Dr. Brené Brown’s podcast, Unlocking Us, she recently talked about the habitual ways each of us deals with difficult times. 

She explained that how we engage with crises is often ingrained from childhood. When faced with extreme anxiety, we tend to either overfunction or underfunction.

Here are some classic behaviors:

Overfunctioners move quickly, take over, and micro-manage other people’s business rather than looking inward. 

Underfunctioners are seen as less competent during crises because they are perceived as flaky, unmotivated, having problems meeting deadlines, making progress, and let others take over.

Do one of these descriptions hit home for you? 

Remember, these are patterned responses developed early in life—not indicators of who we actually are. Which means we can change the way we deal with stressful situations. 

But to change, we have to show ourselves compassion. 

Being kind to yourself increases happiness and reduces stress and anxiety. This means you will feel calmer and be able to approach challenges with resilience and a level head.

When you show yourself compassion and act calmly, it inspires others in your life and at work to take a similar approach.

Want to test your self-compassion level?

THE WEEKLY FLOURISH

Quiz (5 Minutes)

How Self-Compassionate Are You?

Dr. Neff, a pioneering researcher, author, and teacher, developed a free quiz so you can determine how you’re doing in terms of self-compassion. Scores are broken down into different categories, like common humanity or mindfulness, and you’re also given an overall score.

Not satisfied with the results? Dr. Neff’s website also offers a number of resources to help further analyze, and increase, your self-compassion. These vary from guided meditations to questioning exercises geared toward both overfunctioners and underfunctioners.

GREATNESS TAKES GUIDANCE

This Thursday, May 28, we’ll have another special guest speaker for Coffee with Carrie: Julia Budnick, a sales performance coach at LinkedIn. We will be discussing tips for coaching your team virtually and keeping them engaged as we transition to the “next normal.” Can’t wait to see you there! You can find the Zoom link for the session, here. 

– Carrie and Team Leadology